Survivor's Guilt
by HerrelRedsgarth
Summary: This is the story of Jaisea's recovery after the events in "A Lost Child". For anyone who has experienced a tramatic event, or had PTSD or known someone who has will relate to Jaisea and Herrel as they struggle to get their lives back on track.
1. Chapter 1

On the day I awoke from my coma, it was blazingly hot outside. The temperatures were well into the 100s. (Degrees Fahrenheit) I've since been told that is normal for a summer day in Eltnen. But for me, it only increased my anxiety. I'd been having a nightmare, and when I awoke, my heart was pounding, and my breaths were rasping in and out. I couldn't move my body at all.

My eyes darted frantically around the room, trying to figure out where I was. And then they alighted on Herrel, my beautiful, handsome, husband. He was asleep in a chair near my bedside, tipped back against the wall. His normally well-kept hair was in a tangle around his head. He looked terrible, like a man who hadn't gotten enough sleep in a long time.

I tried to sit up, to call out to him, but was unable to do either. I was now in full panic mode. I still couldn't move my arms or legs at all. It felt as though I was tied down on the bed. Ok Jaisea I said to myself, calm down and think logically. If Herrel is here, you are safe. You just need to focus on him. I turned my eyes back to my husband and examined him. I let my eyes wander over his well-defined body. He wasn't wearing his plate armor, so things must be calming down.

Calming down? Why would I think that? My memories were a bit fuzzy. While trying to decide why he should be in armor, I drifted off again.

The next time I awoke it was much colder. The head of the bed was tilted up so I could see my body. My arms and legs were in some kind of open casts or splints. They were horrible to look at. Both were black and blue and terribly swollen. I still couldn't move them either. I felt the beginnings of panic begin to flutter in my belly. What had happened to me? Where was Herrel?

I must have croaked out some sound, because I chanter I hadn't seen before came into my room. "Ah, you're awake again," he said to me. I tried to speak but couldn't get any sound out. My throat was parched and my lips were so dry. "Here," he said to me, "have a little bit of this." He slid his hand behind my head and tilted it forward just a bit. "Just take a sip." "You haven't had anything to eat for two weeks." "We don't want you to have any cramping." "Ok?"

I took my first sip. It slid down my throat and started me coughing. The chanter just held my head until the spasm passed. He offered me the cup again. I tried another sip. This one went down much better. "Where…where am I?"

"You're in Pandemonium." "You've been here for a couple of days." "Do you remember what happened to you?" He was watching me carefully. I was thinking hard. What had happened to me? The last thing I remember was helping out in Eva's clinic. The Balaur had attacked and… A sudden feeling of dread washed over me. No that wasn't right. A cave. I'm in a cave. It's dimly lit and I'm cold. Images flash in my head, very disjointed. I can't remember!"

My heart starts to pound again and my breath is coming quicker. I am afraid. The overwhelming need to run comes over me and I struggle to sit up. The chanter pushes me back down. He's saying something to me, but I can't really hear him. I need to get out and I think I started screaming, because several other people rushed into the room and then darkness.

The next time I woke up, the chanter was changing out the splints on my arms. They didn't look as bad as the first time I saw them. The swelling had gone down. I could feel the healing magic flowing through me as he was working. I could hear people talking outside my room. The voices stopped and then Herrel came in. He looked much better this time. His hair was combed back into its usual ponytail. I remember teasing him about his hair once. I asked him why he didn't keep it short so it would fit under his helm. But I can't remember his answer.

The chanter finished with my arms at last. He lifted the end of my bed up so I could sit up higher. Herrel sat down on the other side and took my hand in his. He looked very serious. The chanter sat down on the edge of the bed and handed me a mug. "Drink this slowly," he instructed. I did and shortly a feeling of lassitude crept over me. My spirit felt suspended above my body. I could feel it, but yet I couldn't. That's when they told me I had lost my baby. I remember tears rolling down my cheeks and these terrible feelings of sadness, guilt, and frustration. Herrel was holding me and crooning some nonsense to me. I finally drifted off to sleep again.

I am awake again, and this time I feel much more alert. My stomach is growling at me too, so I must be getting better. I called out, and this time a songweaver came in. She was carrying a tray of something that smelled delicious. She set the tray on my lap and I could see that it was vegetable soup. She told me to eat it slowly so as not to upset my stomach. I had a hard time holding the spoon in my hand and spilled some of the soup on my gown.

For some reason that made me cry, and then I remembered my baby. My baby that I never got to meet was gone. I didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl. I dropped the spoon on the tray and just stared out into space. I was overwhelmed with sadness and grief. Images flashed in my mind, and I felt myself falling and someone was screaming and screaming and….I jerked spilling more of the soup onto my legs and gown. I cried out. The songweaver came over and took the tray away. She cleaned me up and changed my gown. The she went and got me another bowl of soup. She sat on the edge of the bed and fed me.

After that she gave me a cloth bath and combed out my hair. It was a total mess. She told me they had to cut some of it to clean out the wounds on my head. I didn't even know I had any injuries there. She offered me a mirror, but I was too afraid to look. Herrel came in after that. He sat on the edge of my bed and hugged me. I finally worked up the courage to ask him if our baby was a boy or a girl. He told me it's a girl. His face looked very sad and I was torn between wanting him to comfort and me, and me comforting him. I settled for pulling him closer to me.

Later that afternoon, Eva came to see me. She gave me a complete exam. When she was through, she pulled up a chair next to my bed. We talked about a few things and then she got to the point of her visit. I'd been in the clinic for three weeks now. Eva wanted me out by the next week. She's a firm believer that people heal better in their homes, and not the clinic.

She was going to prescribe physical therapy for me, and I would be starting tonight. She told me that my leg splints would be removed and that it was time for me to try putting some weight on them. She also said, they would be reducing the amount of pain and sleep aids I was getting to see how I did without them. So for the first time in three weeks I got to stand up. It was wonderful and awkward and painful all at once. But it meant I was getting better and I could go home soon.

That night, the nightmares started. I was in a cold, dark place. I could hear a woman's laughter dimly in the background. I was being dragged, and then I was falling and screaming… I jerked awake, my throat raw from the scream. The night chanter ran into my room to see what was wrong. I was sitting bolt upright, my heart pounding so hard I thought it was going to leap out of my chest. She got a cool, wet cloth and wiped off my forehead.

"Nightmares?" she asked me as she wiped down my face with the cloth. I nodded yes. I was still having a hard time believing I was safe. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked. I didn't answer that but instead asked a question of my own. "What happened to me?" She didn't know. All they had been told was that I fell naked out of the sky with another Daeva and that I crushed both my legs and arms because of the way I landed.

"Who was the other Daeva?" I asked because I was embarrassed by the information that I was naked. Surely it wasn't Herrel, so who was it? She didn't know who the other Daeva was and they were hoping I did. I stared at her, a prickle of fear crawling up my spine. I felt I should know who it was, but I just couldn't remember! I beat my fists on my thighs. That hurt so I pounded them on the bed instead.

"What happened to the other Daeva?" "We were told he died," she replied. I fell back against my pillows too distraught to think. Did I kill someone? Did someone die because of me? Why couldn't I remember!

Every night that week, I had the same reoccurring nightmare. It was always the same. The dragging, the falling and the screaming. The Clerics finally gave me something to help me sleep without the dreams. Eva told me that this was my way of trying to remember what happened. She said not to push it, that when I was ready to remember, the memory would come back. I didn't want to remember. It had to be bad because someone died. I could never clearly see the other person, but I knew, that I knew that person.

Today I get to go home. Eva came into my room with a pair of scissors and a mirror. She helped me wash my hair, then she cut it. When she was done, it was very short. I looked like a pixie, but I liked it. She helped me get dressed in the clothes that Herrel had brought from home. I was nervous and excited at the same time. I wasn't sure what to expect and didn't know if I would be able to take care of myself once I got home.

I knew about the reconstruction efforts going on in Beluslan and elsewhere. It was all anyone could talk about. I was sure that Herrel would be doing his part to help rebuild our world, because that is the type of man he is. I felt so proud of my husband and I knew I would do my best not to worry him needlessly about me. Eva wanted to roll me out in a chair, but I insisted on walking.

We get to the doorway and there is Herrel. He looks at me and then walks over and hugs me. We stand like that for a few moments then he scoops me up in his arms and off we go. "Are you going to carry me all the way home?" I ask, ruffling his hair. "Yep, all the way home love."

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

Home at last. Herrel did carry me all the way home. My heart fills with joy at the sight of our house. It looks so beautiful to me. Winter is almost over and soon it will be time to plant spring flowers again and bake delicious goodies. As we make the final climb up the stoop the door opens and my parents are both crowded into the doorway. They look so happy to see me. They are both humans, and so could not come to visit me in Pandemonium.

"Herrel, you sneak!" I cried. "You didn't tell me they were here!" "I know," he replies smugly. "That was the point, to surprise you." "They'll be staying with us for a while, until you get back on your feet again." He carries me into the bedroom and gently sets me down on the bed. My mother follows us in and asks to take care of me. Herrel kisses me on the top of the head and leaves us to it.

I'm so exhausted from just that small journey. I still feel somewhat grimy and unclean from being bedbound for almost a month. My mother draws me a bath and then she bathes me. I flash back to when I was a small child and we used to make silly hairstyles in the tub. After the bath, she helps me into a clean nightgown and then into bed.

It's wonderful to be home and in my own bed. Mom sits down on the edge and we talk a little bit before I drift off to sleep. Sometime later, I hear Herrel come into the room. He's very quiet for such a tall man. I can feel him as he slips into bed next to me. His body is warm and hard next to mine. He wraps an arm around my waist and I can feel his warm breath on my neck. I snuggle in closer and drift off to sleep again.

_The nightmare came again. This time I'm in a cage and there is a woman in front of me, taunting me, demanding something from me. But I can't quite hear what she is saying. I struggle harder to hear her, for I have a feeling that this is important. And then I'm in the cave again. I can see shapes along the wall, and there is someone down in the cave with me. I struggle to see who it is, but it's too dark._

_I am afraid. I know something bad is going to happen and I'm powerless to stop it. A sharp yank on my hair and then I'm being dragged, and then I'm falling again, and screaming in fear. I woke up still screaming, my heart pounding and gasping for breath. Herrel has his arms wrapped around me, rocking me back and forth, crooning soft sounds of comfort in my ears._

Our bedroom door bangs open and my parents rush in, terrified that something has happened. Deep racking sobs are shaking my whole body. I can't stop crying. My mom takes a few steps nearer, and then dad pulls her gently back. They can see that Herrel is handling it. They leave the room, softly closing the door behind them. He continues to hold and rock me until my sobs quiet.

We lay back down and he asks if I want to talk about it. I tell him no and instead just clutch him tighter. He pulls me close and promises to keep me safe. I finally drift off to sleep.

The following day we had a visitor, although I didn't find out about it until later. I was still in bed asleep. My mom told me after I got up. She asked me who Vallyon was. It seems Herrel was very rude to him and that was so unlike their son-in-law. So I told her what little I knew about Herrel's family.

"All I know mom, is that his childhood was very lonely and unhappy." "We don't really have any contact with them at all." "That's so sad honey," she said, "but your dad and I are happy he is part of ours." After a light lunch, that mom cooked, I took a nap on the couch. This evening would be my first dinner with my whole family and I wanted to be rested for it. Mom said she would cook and when mom says something she means it. My protests fell on deaf ears. So I camped out on the couch instead.

_I'm lying on the ground. Just in front of me is a bow. I'm puzzled. It looks familiar but I can't remember who it belongs to. I can hear voices in the background calling my name. But it's like I'm underwater and I can't quite make out what they are saying. There are rocks falling and a large crack opens up in the floor. It's getting wider and I feel like I'm falling towards it. Panic sets in. No, no no! I'm trying to scramble backwards but I can't move fast enough. _

_My belly is so big it makes it hard to move. I glance down at my stomach. That's when I realize I have no clothes on. Fear and shame and guilt wash over me. And then the crack reaches me and I'm falling again and I start to scream._

"Honey, honey, are you all right?" I wake up to mom leaning over me, her face concerned. "You were moaning and crying out." She brushes some strands of hair out of my face. "It's just a bad dream," I told her. She sits down next to me and hugs me. "I love you baby." "I know mom."

Dinner that night was a cheerful affair. Herrel was telling us about the reconstruction efforts and other little bits of information. I had several glasses of wine that night. I was beginning to dread sleep time. I didn't want to have any more bad dreams. So I drank more than I should. By the time dinner was over, I was sloshed. Herrel was looking at me and I knew he was concerned. But I didn't want to ruin his sleep along with mine.

So I gave him my best drunk smile and staggered off to bed. Mom said she would take care of the cleanup and that Herrel should make sure I was okay. Herrel followed me into the bedroom He found me standing in the middle of the room naked. My clothes were strewn on floor in a line from the door to where I stood. I was staring at my belly. It was completely flat. I never would have guessed that just one month ago, I was seven months pregnant. I wanted my baby.

Rage suddenly flooded my veins like fire. I WANTED my baby back! I flew at Herrel screaming at him, scratching at him with my claws, demanding to know who took our baby. He just held me until I wore myself out. But secretly I knew who killed our baby. It was me. Somehow it was my fault that our daughter was dead.

The rest of the week went from bad to worse for me. I was terrified to sleep. I knew the nightmares were there waiting in the dark for me like close friends. My drinking increased from wine at dinner time to anytime I could sneak one down. Then when I slept, I didn't dream, or if I did, I couldn't remember them. And that's the way I wanted it.

By Friday I was ready for my parents to leave. It was getting harder and harder for me to keep my drinking a secret. I think they suspected something, because one of them was always around me. Mom finally announced that I had been cooped up in the house long enough and what I needed was a nice trip to the village street fair. She wanted to do some shopping and I was coming with her. I didn't want to go, but she made me. My father said he had some business to take care of, so he left as well.

I must confess that I enjoyed myself. We ran into Eva while we were shopping and she told me to stop by the clinic tomorrow so she could take a look at me. As soon as we got home though, the fear and the guilt settled over me. I told mom I was tired and needed a rest. I slipped into my bedroom where I had stashed a bottle of ale. I drank three glasses then lay down on the bed. I must have fallen asleep, because when I woke up, Herrel was sitting on the edge of the bed watching me.

I felt very uncomfortable, like a kid who got caught with his hand in the candy jar. He said, "You've been drinking again." I glared at him. How dare he! "It's nothing!" I snapped back at him. "Honey, I'm concerned about you," he said, reaching out to take my hand in his. Rage flooded me again. I screamed at him, "What do you know about it!" "You weren't the one who killed our baby!"

He slapped me hard across the face. My head rocked back on my shoulders. I was so surprised that I forgot to be angry at him. He grabbed me by the shoulders and snapped, "You didn't kill our daughter!" "Don't you ever say that again!" He punctuated each word with a shake to my shoulders. I stared at him wide-eyed, tears beginning to flow from my eyes. I could see the tears in his eyes as well, and then I started to cry again. He crushed me to him and I clung to him like a lifeboat.

He murmurs, "It's going to be all right love, I promise." "We will get through this together." "I love you, Jaisea and I always will." That made me cry harder. I loved my husband and all I seemed to be doing lately is lashing out at him. I was terrified that he would leave me or not come home one day. Someone I knew hadn't come home either, but I just couldn't see his face. I was so angry and terrified at the same time. If only I could see his face, maybe the nightmares would stop.

That night at dinner was subdued. Herrel would only let me have one glass of ale at dinnertime. Afterwards he took me for a walk outside. We sat out there and looked up into the sky. The stars were just barely visible between the large rifts that seem to hang in the sky like ornaments. It was very quiet and peaceful out. We could see the lights in our neighbor's houses like a comforting glow.

Herrel was leaning back against the big rock that sits in our yard. I was stretched out on his lap. His arms were holding me and his claw was lightly tracing the scar on my lower abdomen. I felt heat beginning to build there. I shifted a bit. His claws drifted lower. I bit my lower lip to keep from crying out. My parents were in the house right behind us, but oh how I wanted Herrel right now.

I felt his breath warm on my neck as he lightly nibbled where he knows I like it best. I gasped. I turned my head to give him better access. Oh…that feels so good. My husband knows what I like. He chuckles. His hands continue to wander across my skin, bringing heat wherever they alight. My heart is beating fast and I wished my parents were gone. I wanted to cry out in pleasure. Instead I have to be satisfied with whimpers and moans of pleasure.

He doesn't disappoint and soon I am soaring in the clouds. I crash back down to earth and he is there with soft kisses on my lips. I clutched him tightly, hoping he won't ever let me go. Right now I feel safe for the first time since I've gotten out of the clinic. Soon the lights in the village go out one by one. We are the last to surrender the night to itself. Herrel carries me into the house. I'm so drowsy I'm hardly aware when he undresses me and tucks me into bed.

_I had another dream that night. I was back in the cave. A shadowy figure was standing next to me so close I could smell the sweat on him. I could hear murmurs, but I couldn't distinguish the words. I was suddenly pulled into the shadow man and he kissed me. I let him. I…I enjoyed it. I held him and let him kiss me. Then I was pushed away and then I was falling and screaming._

I jerked away. All was quiet. Herrel was sleeping soundly next to me. I felt my face burning with shame. I let another man kiss me and I enjoyed it. How could I have betrayed my husband like that? How could I tell him? What if he knows? Oh what am I going to do?

I slipped quietly out of bed and went to the kitchen. I found one of my stashed bottles and drank until I could barely see straight. I stumbled back to my room and crawled into bed. Herrel stirred and put an arm around me and pulled me close. I lay there for a long time, silent tears sliding down my cheeks. How could I ever face him in the morning?

To be continued…


	3. Chapter 3

The following day, I went to see Eva at the clinic. Herrel went with me. He had discovered me hung over this morning. We had words and it was ugly. Why do I treat him so badly? I want him to leave me alone, but I'm scared to death that he will.

But I underestimated my husband. He has more patience than a stone. We arrived at the clinic in the middle of the morning. Eva was here waiting for me. It was a slow morning I guess. She took one look at me and said, "Oh honey." "What happened to you?" I didn't answer but Herrel did.

"She's been drinking every night," he told Eva. "She's also having nightmares and her mood vacillates between calm and hateful." I turned to glare at him. How dare he call me hateful!

Eva just nods. "Ok Jaisea, let's get you checked out." She guides me to an alcove where I can change into a gown. When I'm ready, she takes me into an exam room.

She asks several questions about my physical health, my diet, and my exercises. Then she gives me a thorough physical. I'm exhausted by the time she is done. She tells me to get dressed and then she'll talk to me about my treatment. I get dressed and pull the curtain aside. One of the assistants leads me to a consultation room. It's the same room I was in when we discussed my pregnancy.

Fresh tears spring to my eyes and a wave of grief washes over me. Herrel is there and as I enter he turns and stands up. He sees the tears in my eyes and his face is sad. He holds out his arms and I rush into them. The tears are spilling down my cheeks in a torrent and the sobs that burst from my chest threaten to knock me off my feet.

He holds me tightly, his hand stroking my hair. He whispers softly that it will be okay, and that we will get through this. Eva just sits there watching us with her clinicians gaze. I finally get myself under control and Herrel and I both sit down.

Eva is sitting behind her desk with her hands folded on a sheaf of parchment. She looks at us, and then speaks. "First of all Jaisea, physically you are getting better." I am going to change some of your exercises to start increasing your strength and flexibility."

"I also want to add a few foods to your diet to help you regain some of your weight back." "Thirdly, I am going to give you something to help you sleep at night." "However, you cannot take this with alcohol." I glanced over at Herrel. His face was intense as though he didn't want to miss a word.

He must have felt my gaze, because he turned towards me. He took my hand in his and gave it a squeeze. Eva wrote a few notes down on the parchment. "Now I want you to tell me about your nightmares."

I didn't want to. I didn't want to remember any of it. I shook my head no. Herrel squeezed my hand reassuringly but wisely said nothing. Eva just watched me for a moment. Tears started running down my face again. Angrily I wiped them away. I started to get up to leave, but Herrel still had ahold of my hand.

Eva said very gently, "Jaisea, talking about it will help you get past it." I sat there, stubbornly silent. She said, "It's not uncommon for people to have nightmares or flashbacks after experiencing a traumatic event."

"The mind has ways to protect itself, but sometimes it gets in the way of itself and causes us distress." I sat there mulishly silent. I still didn't want to tell anyone. I was too ashamed and guilty and I didn't know why. Eva then asked Herrel to step out of the room. When we were alone she asked, "Can you talk about it now?" Silently I shook my head no.

Eva wrote something on the parchment, and then put her pen down. She folded her hands again, and then asked me about the last few patients I treated before I went missing. I gaped at her in surprise. I was taken aback by her sudden change of topic.

She quirked an eyebrow at me. "You are a chanter." "I want your opinions on the patients you saw." I cast my mind back, trying to remember who came in that day. It was sort of blurry. Eva handed me some parchment and a pen. "If you could write down whom you saw and for what, I'd appreciate it."

I took the pen and parchment and pulled my chair closer to her desk. Nibbling on the pen tip I forced myself to remember. There were a couple of Templars, two sorcs, one villager for a small burn…

I started writing. Eva sat there and watched me. "You had a lunch date that day didn't you?" "How did it go?" I muttered something and kept on writing. My memory of that day was coming back to me. "She was quite striking," Eva remarks. "Was she a patient or just a friend?"

I looked up at her shocked. Images flashed across my mind. I could clearly see her. The woman I had lunch with and the woman from the cave were the same. Fear seized me by the chest. I screamed and threw myself backwards away from Eva. My chair toppled over backwards and I crashed to the ground.

Eva leaped up from her desk and raced around the desk to me. I was cold and shaking. My eyes stared blankly as more images of that woman continued to assault my mind. Eva asked me gently, "what was her name Jaisea?"

Rage, fear, and helplessness were flowing through me all at once. I shivered and clung to Eva like a lifeline. The door crashed open and Herrel was there. I flung myself into his arms and sobbed. Eva turned my head towards her. She said again more sharply this time, "Her name Jaisea!" "What was her name?!" "Julia," I sobbed. "Her name is Julia." I turned my face into Herrel's chest and sobbed. He held me, rocking me back and forth like a child.

I heard someone else come into the room and some muted conversation. Eva taped my shoulder. She's holding a cup in her hand. "Drink this Jaisea," she instructs. "It will make you feel better." Herrel loosens his grip on me so I can take the cup. I gulped down the contents without tasting anything.

I glared at Eva. "You tricked me!" I cried. Anger was trying to bubble up, but the drink Eva gave me was making me drowsy. "No honey," she replied. "I was assessing your memory." "You were unconscious for two weeks." I wanted to know what your memory status was."

I was feeling very drowsy now. Eva indicated to Herrel to pick me up and carry me to a back room where there was a cot. Herrel laid me gently down and Eva shook out a blanket and draped it over me. She told me to rest. My eyes drifted closed and I slept.

Eva said to Herrel, "she'll sleep for about an hour, and then you can take her home." "But first I want to discuss some things with you about her care." Herrel and Eva go back into her office. Eva quietly closes the door behind her. Herrel picks up the overturned chair and takes a seat. Eva asks him a few questions about my sleeping habits and how much I'm drinking.

Eva says, "I agree with you about the nightmares." "I do believe that they are about the missing time period." "Several people saw Jaisea with this Julia before she disappeared." "I'll report the additional information to the Archons." "They will want to question Jaisea, but I think I can hold them off for another week or so." Herrel nods.

Then he asks, "What is wrong with Jaisea Eva?" Eva sighs and looks sad. "I think she is suffering from a condition known as acute stress disorder." "She has several of the classic behaviors and symptoms based on what you've told me and what I've observed so far." She hands Herrel some parchment. "This will explain it more thoroughly." "I want Jaisea to attend some group therapy sessions." "My colleague, Mindran, holds a group session every Saturday afternoon." "I think it would be very beneficial to Jaisea if she attends."

"She won't want to," Herrel remarks. "I know, but everyone is like that at first." "Just knowing that she isn't alone might help her relax and open up." Eva scribbled down an address on another piece of parchment. She hands it to Herrel. "Here is the address." "Now let me just get Jaisea's meds put together."

She walks over to her drug cabinet and begins rummaging in it. She chooses several vials and two packets. She packs these into a bundle which she hands to Herrel. "Instructions are inside with the medicines." "Try to limit her alcohol intake as best you can." "The sleep aid will help her with the nightmares." Herrel nods his understanding.

"The most important thing for Jaisea to know," Eva said, "is that she has your love and support." "And that you are there for her, no matter what." "I am!" Herrel says emphatically. "I love her and will do anything to help her get better!" Eva smiles at him. "Just don't forget to take care of yourself as well Herrel." "This can be as draining on the caretaker as it is on the patient." "You might want to consider attending some of these meetings with Jaisea." Eva smiles again. "Jaisea is strong." "We just need to remind her of that."

There is another matter on Herrel's mind and it has been bothering him for a few days now. He takes a deep breath and asks, "We have a very good friend, Madrion…" He pulls out the note Madrion had written. He hands it to Eva. While she reads it Herrel continues, "I believe he is dead." "I was told that there was another Daeva with Jaisea when she crashed onto the platform in Eltnen." Herrel clears his throat. Sadness is choking him. "They told me that he died." Herrel wipes his eyes. "We haven't heard or seen anything from him." "His house is empty." "It's not like him to not contact us." "We practically lived at each other's places." He wipes his eyes again. "In Pandemonium, they told me that the Daeva died when he hit the platform." "Jaisea was on top of him and that's why she survived." Eva had finished reading the note and was watching Herrel. She said, "Herrel, I'm so sorry." He wipes his eyes again and takes several deep breaths to get himself under control. The grief is still very much alive in him. "I guess, what I want to know is, well, when should I tell Jaisea?" "She hasn't mentioned him and I'm not sure she knows."

Eva looks thoughtful. "That's a tough question." "She's very fragile right now emotionally." "I'm not sure she can handle more bad news." She pauses. "I think for the time being, I wouldn't tell her." "If it comes up in conversation, don't dodge the subject, otherwise, let's wait until she is more emotionally stable."

Eva watches Herrel for a moment then she asks, "And how are you holding up?" "Do you have anyone to talk to and support you?" "Jaisea's parents are staying with us," Herrel said. "They know about Madrion and the baby." "I can….umm… I can talk to them." We were interrupted by a knock on the door. It opens and another cleric sticks her head in.

She says, "Your next patient is here Eva." She then closes the door. Eva says, "If you need to talk to someone Herrel, you come and see me." "I'm always open." She gets up and pats him on the shoulder. "Now go be with your wife." "As soon as she wakes up take her home." "Bring her back to see me in two weeks or sooner if you need to."

Herrel gets up and comes into the back room to sit with me. I wake up about an hour later and I feel less hung over now. Herrel is sitting in a chair next to my bed with it tipped back on its legs. One day he is going to fall over backwards. His eyes are closed and he appears to be sleeping. He has a package on his lap and I'm guessing those are my medicines."

I watch him for a while. Herrel isn't classically handsome, but he has a unique look to him that I can't help but drool over. He has amber yellow eyes and a tattoo that surrounds his left eye. I should ask him about that because I don't know when or why he got it.

I must have made some small sound, because his eyes opened and he smiled at me. "Ready to go," he inquires as he stretches like a cat. Fascinated, I watch him. My thoughts are not about walking home but on last night out on the lawn. I blushed. He looks at me puzzled. "What is it love?" I blushed more deeply. This is terrible, I thought. I wanted him right now. I could feel heat begin to flow in my veins.

To cover my wanton thoughts, I threw the blanket off and jumped off the cot. Herrel catches my hand in his as we leave the clinic. As soon as we got home, I dragged Herrel into the bedroom with me. I wanted him and I wanted him now! He kicked the bedroom door closed. I began tugging his clothes off, desperate to get him naked.

He doesn't resist and the next few hours are bliss. Just before I doze off I whisper, "I love you Herrel." "I know you do love, and I love you back and I always will Jaisea."


	4. Chapter 4

I must have dozed off because when I woke up, Herrel was gone. For the first time since I got home, I felt more normal. Having sex with Herrel released some of the tension I'd been holding in my body. My mind felt clearer too. I felt foolish about my mood swings. I am a chanter after all and I should know better. I vowed to myself not to take out my anger on Herrel.

I finally decided to get up when I heard my parents talking in the living room. Throwing on some loose fitting clothes, I went out to join them. They weren't alone. There was another man with them. He was dressed in expensive slacks and a light Xillix shirt. His cloak was draped casually over one arm. Unease trickled through me. I looked around for Herrel, but I didn't see him.

My parents were watching me. The man took a few steps towards me then stopped and bowed. "Lady Jaisea, it's good to see you up and about." I looked at him, puzzled. Did I know this man? He looked puzzled as well. He glanced at my parents then back at me. He said, "I'm Vallyon." I just stared at him. "I'm Herrel's cousin on his father's side." I glanced at my parents again. They looked worried. Vallyon was watching me closely. He finally said, "You don't remember me do you?"

I raised a hand to my head. I felt another trickle of unease. "I'm sorry, I just…." My voice trailed off. I was afraid again. To cover it, I waved him towards one of the chairs. "Please sit down." He smiled at me. "Thank you my lady, but I cannot stay." "I just came by to see how you were and to offer my condolences on the loss of your daughter."

Tears sprang to my eyes as I clapped my hands to my belly. My child! Gone! And I had forgotten. What a terrible person I am. How could I have forgotten my child? I'd been so busy trying to blot out the nightmares that I'd blotted out my baby too.

My knees gave out and I collapsed. Vallyon dashed forward before I hit the floor. "I'm so sorry, Lady Jaisea." "I shouldn't have come." He pulled me up towards him. Rage suddenly filled me. I know who to blame. I shoved him away violently. I bolted out the door, not really knowing where I was going. I could hear my parents calling me, but I just kept running. I ran until I was too exhausted to go any farther.

I think I passed out because when I woke up, I heard strange voices. A young child was shaking my shoulder. I blinked up at him. I didn't know him at all. His friends were whispering behind us. I couldn't make out what they were saying. I pushed myself up to a sitting position and looked around. I was lost.

Fear lanced through me and I wanted to cry. I was such a failure and now I was lost. Tears welled up in my eyes. I angrily wiped them away. I used to get so mad at Herrel when he tried to protect me. I always told him that I could take care of myself.

Well, I wasn't doing a very good job of it now. The child was pulling on my hand. I struggled to my feet and let him pull me along. I didn't really care where we went, I just wanted to die. He brought me to his house. It was a small cottage with lots of flowers in the front yard. A woman was on the porch. She was startled to see me with her son. The child, whose name turned out to be Chris, was telling her about finding me at the edge of park. It was all kind of a blur to me. I think my mind just sort of shut down.

She asked me questions and I answered them, but I don't really remember what they were. I was vaguely aware of voices and of several people coming and going. The woman led me to a bedroom where I fell asleep. It was dark out when voices woke me up. Then Herrel was there. He didn't say a word to me. I cringed back on the bed. He was furious. I could see it in his face.

Fear skittered across my nerves. I had never seen him like this before. I scooted as far away from him as I could. He just reached across the bed and scooped me up in his arms. He thanked the woman as he carried me outside. By now it was full dark. The air was chill and slightly damp. I shivered. Herrel tightened his grip on me. Then he leaped into the air. Spreading his wings, we flew off back to our home.

When we got there, my parents and Vallyon were crowded into the doorway. They looked very worried and Vallyon was flushed. Mom rushed to hug me, but I didn't want any of it. By this time, I was feeling so ashamed that I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. Herrel set me down and I ran to our bedroom and locked the door.

I found my alcohol stash and drank down one bottle. I didn't care anymore. I just wanted it all to go away. I heard raised voices out in the living room. Herrel and Vallyon were shouting at each other and mom was crying. Then the front door slammed and it was quiet again. The alcohol was beginning to numb my senses.

Then I heard footsteps in the hallway and someone tried the door. I had locked it and they couldn't get in. "Jaisea, open the door!" It was Herrel and he sounded angry. I scooted around to the far side of the bed and sat down on the floor. I could just peek over our bed. "Jaisea, baby, open the door," he said again in a much softer tone. He rattled the knob a little. I cringed back. Muted voices reached me, and then I heard footsteps walking away. It got quiet again. My tense nerves began to relax as the alcohol took over.

When I woke up the next morning, I found myself in bed. Herrel was lying next to me, his arms wrapped loosely around my waist. I felt horrible. My head felt like I'd been hit with a greatsword. Somehow, he'd managed to get the door open last night. Tears began to fall down my cheeks. Stop it I admonished myself. Don't be such a baby.

A light tapping on the door woke Herrel up. I pretended to be asleep. I just wasn't ready to cope with the day yet. Herrel slid out of bed to answer the door. I could hear him talking quietly to my mom. He went out and mom came in and sat down on the edge of the bed. She began stroking my hair and singing softly to me, like she did when I was a child and afraid of the dark.

I let my mind drift. Mom didn't say anything; just continued to stroke my hair. A few minutes later Herrel came back. He had a glass of juice and some toast for me. Mom took it from him and helped me sit up. Pain hit me then and I knew I was really hung over. I couldn't look at Herrel because I didn't want to see the condemnation in his eyes.

He silently watched me for a few minutes. I took a few bites of the toast. He then went over to our closet and began pulling out some of my clothes and throwing them into a duffle. Fresh tears ran down my cheeks. This is it then. He's throwing me out of the house. Well, suck it up I told myself. It's your own fault. I wanted to beg him to forgive me, but I didn't. I just sat there and let the tears fall. He finished with the duffle. "Get her dressed," he said to my mom, and walked out, duffle in hand. He closed the door behind him. I put the plate down. I couldn't eat another bite. I was being kicked out of my own house and had no one to blame but myself.

Averting my eyes I told mom that I could get dressed on my own. I got out of bed and slowly walked to the bathroom. My head was pounding and I was very dizzy. Moving slowly, I managed to bathe and dress myself. My stomach was adding to my misery now, by rolling around, but I was determined not to humiliate myself further by throwing up. I was going to be strong and march out of here with what little dignity I had left.

I walked out to the living room with slow, measured steps. The room wanted to spin crazily and I wasn't sure sometimes which way was down. Mom and dad were there and dad had the duffle. I guess they were taking me back to our farm. That was much better than being on the streets.

_An image flashed across my mind. In it was a young child in the arms of a cloaked man. It was dark out and the snow was blowing in the door. I leaned towards the man, but I couldn't see his face. The cloak's hood concealed his him completely. I felt a terrible need to know who the cloaked man was. This was important, I just knew it. I reached out a hand to pull back his hood and …._

I was jerked back into the present by a touch on my arm. It was still outstretched towards the door. "Honey, are you alright?" mom asked me, concern in her voice. I shook my head, then regretted it. The motion made me ill. "Honey?" she said again. "I'm sorry mom, I just…saw something." She hugged me and kissed me gently on the temple. "I love you baby." "I know mom, I love you too."

Then she and my dad walked out the front door. I stood there in my living room, looking around for the last time. Images of the past flew by in disjointed streams like photographs being blown in the wind. I sighed. I better get this over with. I squared my shoulders and with my head pounding and stomach protesting I marched out the door. My parents were already gone, but Herrel was there waiting for me. His face was very tense. He was still angry with me.

I started to walk past him, but he caught me up in his arms. He leaped into the air and my stomach climbed up into my throat. I spent the next few minutes breathing and clutching on for dear life. I squeezed my eyes shut. Dear gods, this is awful. Please, please, please don't let me throw up. I didn't open my eyes until I felt us touch down on the ground again. Cracking them open I peered around again.

We were at Eva's clinic. Herrel carried me inside. It was dim and it took my eyes a few minutes to adjust. Eva was there, and she led us down a corridor I hadn't been down before. Unease began to trickle though me. Where were we going?

We passed through another door and it clicked shut behind us. I heard a lock being turned. Now I was frightened again. Eva led us to another room that had several chairs and a couch in it. Herrel set me down gently.

"What's going on Eva?" I asked for I was very confused. My head really hurt and I was having a hard time thinking. Eva said very gently, "You are going to stay here for a while." "What?" "Why?" I exclaimed and then it hit me. This was the crazy people ward. "No!" I shouted. I shook my head violently. Pain roared through me. "I'm not staying here!" I screamed. I turned to leave but Herrel caught me in his arms. "Let go of me!" I yelled at him. Betrayal rolled over me like water in a stream. I raged at Herrel, kicking, clawing, and crying until I wore myself out. He continued to hold me then, stroking my hair. "Shhhh baby, Shhhh," he murmured. "It's going to be okay."

"Not it's not!" I jerked away from him. "I hate you!" "I don't ever want to see you again!"

To be continued…


	5. Chapter 5

Herrel's face turned white. His lips were fixed in a tight line. I regretted it as soon as I said it, but I wasn't going to take it back. He was going to leave me here. I wish he would have just kicked me out. I stalked over to a chair and sat down with my face turned away from him. So much for my resolution to not behave like this.

More tears welled up in my eyes and I just let them fall. At this point, I was ready to crawl into a dark hole and die. Eva was talking quietly with Herrel. After a few minutes, I heard the door open and close. Eva then came over and sat down in a chair facing me. She reached over and took my hands in hers. I slowly turned to look at her. She was watching me calmly. Then she said, "I instructed Herrel to bring you here." "He wanted you to be at home, but I insisted."

"He loves you very much Jaisea." "I promise you, as your friend, and as your doctor, that you will get through this." I felt awful. I just said those terrible things to Herrel and it wasn't even his fault. "Why can't I go home?" I blurted out. "Because I don't believe that's the safest place for you right now." "But I'm safe with Herrel!" I wailed. How could she think otherwise? "I want to go home!" I almost screamed that out. My gods, what was wrong with me? My emotions' were all over the place.

Eva just squeezed my hands gently. "You will get to go home Jaisea, but not today." I jerked my hands back. That was not what I wanted to hear. She continued, "I want to make sure you are safe Jaisea, because I care about you." "So does your family." I turned away from her. I didn't care, I just wanted out.

She sighed. "Come on honey; let's get your settled into your room." I slowly stood up then followed her out. My room was down the hall to the right. It was painted in warm colors and had a nice sized bed in it. Someone had hung up my clothes in the wardrobe and my favorite slippers were by the bed.

An orderly came in with a small vial of something. He handed it to Eva, then left. She held it out to me. "Drink this honey; it's to help you relax." Against my will my fingers reached out and took it. I drank it and handed the vial back to Eva. "Rest now honey." "I'll be back in a little while to talk to you about your treatment."

She left me then. I sat down on the bed. There was nothing to do, so I kicked off my shoes and lay back. At some point I fell asleep.

-  
Herrel and Jaisea's parents are sitting in the waiting room. Herrel stands up as soon as Eva comes out. She motions them to follow her to her office. They all take chairs while Eva perches on the edge of her desk. They all look up at Eva with worried eyes.

Eva says, "I have to apologize to you Herrel." He looks surprised at this. "You did tell me that her mood swings were occurring, but I didn't realize how fast she is flipping back and forth." "Had I appreciated this yesterday, I could have admitted her to the clinic and prevented her running away." She sighs. "I am truly sorry Herrel." Herrel shrugs. He doesn't know what to say. He is blaming himself for not being there for Jaisea, and he blames Vallyon, but mostly himself.

There was silence for a few minutes then Herrel says, "I don't blame you Eva, I blame myself." "I should have been there for her more." "No son," his father-in-law says, "it wasn't your fault." "Her mom and I were both there and we couldn't stop her." "If you want to blame someone, blame the person who kidnapped her." "But you certainly will not blame yourself." Herrel was watching his father-in-law intently. He so much wanted to believe him, needed desperately to. He clasps Herrel on the shoulder and gives it a squeeze. "We know our daughter could have no better husband in the world." "You know, she fell in love with you the first day she met you." "She was mooning around the house for weeks after you left." He chuckles. "I must confess I teased her a good bit about it." Herrel blushes. He's not good with emotions. He was raised by servants since he was 5. He has no experience with the positive emotions and support a close knit family has. Meeting Jaisea was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He feels that he has failed her in some way. He is angry that his best friend Madrion went to rescue his wife; it should have been him. It should have been him!

Tears dampen his eyes and he swipes them away, embarrassed that anyone should see him cry. Eva has been watching the interplay between Herrel and his parents-in-law. She relaxes a bit. It is clear to her that they both love Herrel as a son, and will support him as best they can.

She says, "I want to talk to you about Jaisea's treatment." "I think I am going to keep her for two weeks to start." "We'll continue her physical therapy and she'll also attend counseling sessions." "Visiting hours are lunchtime, and after dinner." They all nod. "I also want to see you Herrel; at least once a week, more if you need to." "You are grieving as well, and you need to be able to deal with the death of your daughter and your friend."

Those words were like a knife blade driven into his chest. His face is as white as snow and his heart feels like it is being squeezed. It hurts so much, he almost can't bear it. He has been so worried about Jaisea, that he hadn't really taken the time to think about his daughter or Madrion.

Eva was still talking but he missed it. "Herrel?" she says. She looks concerned. He discovers he is clenching the chair arms hard enough to break them. He forces himself to relax. "I'm sorry, what were you saying?" "I asked you whether or not you had visited your daughter's grave?" "No," he whispers. Emotions are crashing through him. Grief, helplessness, rage! The pain in his chest increases. He can't seem to catch his breath. Time seems to slow down to a crawl and when he comes back to reality it is to find Mrs. Elensar holding him in her arms like a child. She is stroking his back land murmuring to him. His face is damp and the tears continue to fall. But the pressure in his chest is easing. He hugs her tightly; glad to take comfort when it is offered.

Eventually the emotions are rung out and he sits back in his chair. In the meantime Eva has been busy. She hands Herrel a small package of vials. "These are for you." "I want you to take one of each twice a day." "One of them will help with the depression; the other is to make sure you don't collapse from bad eating habits." "But I don't…" Eva cuts him off. "The best thing you can do for Jaisea right now is to take care of yourself." She then hands him another vial. Take this right now. Herrel grimaces but takes it. It tastes slightly tangy. Eva looks pleased. "Now I want you to go home and rest." "Tomorrow I want you to come at lunch time." "We are going to talk about your daughter and I think this would best be done between the two of you." Herrel nods. Eva shows them out then returns to her work.

I woke up a few hours later feeling much calmer. The nap had done me good. I was really hungry though so I decided to get up and see if I could get any food. But first I wanted to check out my room. It wasn't too large, but it did have a private bath. I splashed cold water on my face, and then set out to get some food. I wandered around a bit before I found someone to direct me to the lunchroom. I spotted Eva in there, sitting at a table with some other patients. So I grabbed a tray and found a spot by myself. The food wasn't too bad. I found myself going back for seconds. Eva joined me then. She looked very tired and worn out. She had her hands full of parchments. Sorting through them, she found one with my name on it.

My treatment plan for the next two weeks was pretty simple. I had physical therapy in the morning, followed by drawing therapy. Ugh, drawing. Then lunch, then a group therapy session. After that I could do whatever I wanted. They had a nice library here and some board games as well. Later on Eva wanted to spend time with me as well. Then we had dinner and after dinner we could have visitors. Bedtime was pretty early. I wasn't looking forward to that. I had gotten used to sleeping with Herrel. I was going to miss him in my bed.

Group therapy was horrible. I had to sit in a room full of people and listen to them talk about their problems. Ugh, I could be doing something useful at home. My mind started to wander off_. I was with someone. I couldn't see his face very well. The picture was blurry. I could hear his voice, but I couldn't make out the words. We were walking along Pernon's boardwalk. Shadow people were passing us on both sides of the boardwalk. I leaned in closer to see who it was. He turned towards me and….._

A touch on my arm jerked me back to the present. The session was over. Thank the gods for that. I jumped up and ran back to my room. I wanted to see who that was. Why did they have to interrupt me! I stamped my foot angrily. I didn't want to be with other people right now so I decided to stay in my room. I paced around for a while, getting madder and madder. I wanted to get out of here right now! I wanted Herrel. I wanted to feel his arms around me, his lips on my lips, his hands caressing my body. Flinging myself on the bed, I cried myself to sleep.

The following morning I felt crabby and uncooperative. My physical therapy hurt. I think I slept badly or at least that's what I'm blaming it on. I took a bath afterwards to help me relax. Eva told me that I was doing better, even though it didn't feel like it. I stayed in my room until lunch time. That's when I found out I had a visitor. It was Herrel. My heart sang when I saw him. I ran to him and jumped into his arms. He dropped whatever he was holding to catch me. I wrapped my legs around his waist and clung to him with all my strength. "Oh Herrel I'm so sorry." "I miss you so much." I rained tiny kisses on his face and neck. We had an audience now. I flushed with embarrassment, but I wasn't letting go of my husband. He held me for a moment, then set me down. He scooped up the papers he'd dropped and slid an arm around my waist. He didn't say anything to me though. I felt uneasy again.

Why oh why did I have to say those cruel things to him yesterday. I silently berated myself for being such a fool. I leaned into him and slid my arm as far as it would go around his waist. He gave me a squeeze in return. An orderly came and got us then. We were shown to Eva's office and left to wait. I was curious about the papers Herrel was carrying. I couldn't quite make out what they were. I leaned just a little bit closer to see.

Darn it, I just couldn't read the writing. It looked fancy though. What would Herrel be doing with fancy papers? He pulled out a chair for me and we both sat down. He turned to me and took my hands in his. "I love you," he said. A trickle of fear crawled up my spine. He looked way to serious for that. "I need…we need….to... ummm to talk about our daughter." I gasped. No! No! No! Not yet, I wasn't ready for this yet. Tears sprang to my eyes. He went on in a rush, "Honey, she needs a name for her headstone." I snatched the papers out of his hand. My eyes were so full of tears I couldn't make out the words on the papers.

It was the death certificate and some other papers to do with her burial location. They had her name as 'Baby Girl Redsgarth'. I started to cry. Herrel pulled me into his lap and held me close. He stroked my arms and held me gently. He was crying as well. "So," I finally asked, "what do you think is a good name for our daughter?" He buried his face in my hair. He whispers, "I thought we could name her after your mother." "Elsa?" "Ah she would love that I think, but what about your mother?" I asked him gently. I laid my head on his chest and looked up at him. "She gave me up when I was five." "I don't think I even remember her first name." "I haven't thought about her in years." "I'm so sorry Herrel." "I didn't know that." "Can't you go see her?"

"No honey, I can't." "But why not?" I was very curious now. Herrel almost never talks about his past. There is so much about him I don't know. Curiosity was going to get the better of me and it was easier to talk about him than our daughter. That topic was still to hurtful. He shakes his head. "I just can't," he repeats. "But…." I began but he cut me off. "Not now Jaisea. " "I don't want to talk about my mother." "I promise to tell you about it when you get home." Well, I'd have to be satisfied with that.

He takes the papers back from me. "I'll fill these out and have her name added." More tears came then. It wasn't fair that we didn't get to spend any time with our daughter. "I'm sorry Herrel," I sobbed out. "I couldn't protect her and she died." "No honey, it wasn't your fault." "The fall killed her honey and I'm thankful it didn't take you as well." "I don't know what I'd do without you Jaisea." He pulls me closer and we both let the tears come again. That's how Eva found us five minutes later.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's note: While Jaisea is recovering in Eva's clinic, our evil Lepharist, Julia, has made her way to Red Mane Cavern. She is not in a good mood. In fact, furious is more like it. The Malek Mine is all but destroyed, and the artifact buried under tons of debris. Julia is determined to make someone pay and pay dearly.

It's been two weeks since I was admitted to the clinic. The meds are keeping me fairly stable. My parents come to see me every other day. They've sold the farm and are now living in a small apartment in Pernon. Dad says it's because he is getting too old for the hard work that it takes to keep a farm going. Mom says it's because he misses me.

I'm an only child and as far as we know, I'm the only one who has ascended. I've had a lot of time to think about my family and I'm really glad my parents are close, because one day, I will lose them to time.

Two weeks ago Herrel and I chose a name for our daughter. That was probably one of the hardest things I've had to cope with so far. I don't even know where she is buried. Mom says she is in Pandemonium in the Redsgarth family crypt. I didn't even know there was one. Just one more thing I don't know about my husband's family. I'm glad she is there, because I don't want her to be buried alone. One day soon, I'll get out of here and go to see her.

And that's another sore spot. Eva won't release me until I participate in the group therapy session. I haven't been able to talk about my kidnapping yet. I remember more about it now. My dreams are becoming clearer with more details. I'm actually kind of embarrassed at how easily I fell for Julia's ploy. I'm usually not so gullible and I'm angry at myself.

You see, she came into the clinic one day with a mild complaint. She asked for me in particular. She said she tripped over a root in the road and was afraid her ankle was broken. I delved her and determined that it wasn't broken, just mildly sprained. We talked for a little while, and then I had to attend to the other patients. She left and I didn't give it anymore thought.

A few days later, I ran into her again. She came in for a follow-up visit. The clinic was really slow that day and she was the only patient. Her ankle was fine and she really didn't need any more care. She invited me out to lunch and I agreed. I think that's where she must have drugged me. It's very hazy after that.

The next thing I clearly remember is waking up in a cell of some kind. My cube and clothes were gone. It was very cold in here and I was the only prisoner as far as I could tell. I bunched up the old, nasty hay that was strewn about the ground to use as cover and warmth. Asmodians are adapted to the cold, but I was still shivering and very frightened. I knew I was in trouble. No one knew where I was and I was going to have to rescue myself.

Julia paid me several visits over the next couple of days, just to gloat I think. She kept talking about her new pet, who would be coming and an artifact. This is where my dreams get a little hazy. I feel as though I should know what she is talking about. I have the feeling that Herrel and someone else, who I cannot see clearly, were looking into some trinket left at our house. I can't remember how or why we would have such a trinket, because Herrel and I aren't collectors. It was puzzling at the very least, and perhaps very important to my continued survival.

She finally had me moved to a cave of some sort. I must have been drugged again, because I have no memory of how I got there. The only other parts I remember are screaming and falling and feeling extreme fear and despair. Eva says I won't get completely better until I can face my dream demons. She says I know what happened, but have blocked it out because the memory is too painful.

I still don't want to remember. I don't care what Eva says. She isn't in my body; she doesn't know the terror and guilt I feel every time I dream. What I really want is to go home and be with Herrel. I know he misses me and is probably not taking very good care of himself. Men need a woman to properly look after them.

This afternoon two Archons came to visit me. They wanted to know about Julia. Apparently, they are very interested in why a Lepharist was in Pernon. I had forgotten that. Why was she in Pernon? Was it only to kidnap me, or was she really just looking for something else? Was I just a means to an end? I just couldn't remember! I wasn't much help to the Archons. Their questions were brutal and I ended up screaming at them. Eva finally put a stop to it and had me sedated. I think they believe I had something to do with my kidnapping.

Well, as far as being an idiot and getting kidnapped, I guess they were right about that. Grrrr! When I woke up, I was cold. A hard knot of rage had settled in my belly. She was partly responsible for my daughter's death. She took me and tortured me and I was going to get even. How DARE she take my daughter's life! The coldness continued to spread throughout my body. I began to feel as though I might never be warm again.

One day soon, I was going to get out of here and on that day I was going to hunt her down and make her PAY!


	7. Chapter 7

Never in my life have I hated anyone. Disliked perhaps, but never hated. My memory of the kidnapping has returned and I remember her now. I dream about her every night. In a way, it's worse than not knowing. I'm stuck in the clinic and she's out there free. Eva told me the only way to get out of here is to talk about my nightmares. I have resisted so far, but now I have a choice to make. Do I want to sit on my pride and stay here forever, or talk about them and get out of here. I wish Herrel were here. When he is with me, all is right with the world. I have not had any visits from him lately, only my parents. They told me he is helping with the rebuilding of Beluslan Fortress. I suppose that is what he should be doing, yet I want him with me. Mom comes to see me almost every day and I think she enjoys getting away from father for a bit. He's in a craze with working on the new apartment.

Today is the end of my third week here. In a few minutes my group therapy starts. I'm sitting here on my bed trying to decide whether or not I want to get out of here now or later. I suppose it won't kill me to share a bit of my life with the people here. They're not bad people, just troubled like myself. I like people and I'm usually very talkative with anyone I meet. It's one of the things that Herrel and I sometimes fight about. He doesn't think I should get everyone's life story at our first meeting. I think you shouldn't waste any time, as you never know when they will move on. That's the difference between Herrel and me, he's the shy one and I'm the outgoing one.

But none of that helps me now. I'm here by myself with a group of people that under different circumstances I would have no problems talking with. I guess it comes down to the fact that I really am a private person and all my chit chatting is all about them and nothing about me. It's funny how you learn things about yourself. And I'm not sure I like it. I realize now that the only people who really know me are my parents, Herrel and Madrion…

And then it hits me. Where is Madrion? Why hasn't he come to see me? Cold grips my body as images begin to flash in front of me. The cave, he was the man in the cave! I screamed! I screamed like I've never screamed before. I felt my entire world coming apart as I finally remembered what I had been blocking out all this time. He came to save me and now he's dead. I shrieked my rage and fear and that is how they found me, shrieking and beating my fists on the ground. I must have fallen down, but I don't remember it. Eva rushed in with two orderlies and they held me down as she forced me to drink something ghastly.

It must have been fast acting for numbness began to crawl over my body. I felt very heavy and weak. Tears continued to stream down my face as I stared at Eva. "Why," I croaked at her. "Why didn't you tell me he was dead?" She took me in her arms and stroked my hair. "Because you needed to find it out for yourself." She held me then, as I continued to cry. The heaviness continued to hold my body prisoner and I fell asleep on the floor with Eva holding me like a child who sees monsters in the closet.

When I woke up several hours later Eva was there to comfort me and to talk. I told her everything and it was if a great weight was lifted off my chest. She listened while I talked about the kidnapping and my time in the cells, and then the cave. I cried while I told her about Madrion and his attempts to protect me and my foolishness at throwing rocks at Julia. "It's my fault he's dead Eva," I sobbed. "If I hadn't been so stupid and stubborn, he would still be alive." "You don't know that," she said. "Once Julia had what she wanted, you were expendable. She would either have killed you outright or left you to starve." "I'm a Daeva!" I wailed. "How could she have killed me?" "I don't know how she would have honey. I don't have the mindset of someone like her. But from what you've said about the cave, your Daeva abilities didn't work. You said you couldn't heal Madrion. It's possible she could have just stabbed you or something and that would be that." I shuddered. I'd never been in actual combat and had never had to resurrect. I had no idea how that felt. The idea of it made me ill.

"But she wanted him as a pet. I don't think she would have killed him." I was stubborn in the belief that it was my fault. Eva sighed. "Listen to me and get this through your thick skull. Madrion made a choice to come to you. He loved you, more than life itself. Don't take that away from him Jaisea!" I just stared at her. It hadn't occurred to me that Madrion had made that choice foolish though it was, and when I saw him in the afterlife, I was going to give him hell about it. Eva watched me carefully. "Do you understand Jaisea? We all make choices and no one can really make someone do something they don't want to. Our choices may suck sometimes, but we always have a choice to do one thing or another."

"I…I think so…yes," I murmured. "Good," she replied. "Now let's get you something to eat. I don't think you should be alone right now, so you can eat dinner with me." We didn't talk much more that night and I had a lot to think about. I went to sleep and for the first time since the fall, I didn't dream at all. The following morning I awoke feeling strangely refreshed. Grief was there, but the pressure that I hadn't realized I'd been carrying was gone. I cried for the loss of my daughter and for Madrion, but Eva was right. I had no control over what Madrion did, even though I'd always tried to tell him what to do. I wonder how much of the time he just humored me and I felt embarrassed. He must have thought me a silly little girl. I vowed to try and be a better person.

A knock on the door interrupted my musings. It was Eva. She wanted to know if I would be willing to talk with the Archons again. She said it would be good for me to report Julia and her criminal acts and it would speed my healing. Sighing, I agreed. I didn't really want to, as last time our conversation ended in a shouting match and my being sedated. Eva promised to be there with me if I wanted her to be. I said yes. So we had breakfast and then I waited in Eva's office for the Archons to arrive.

Only one showed up and not the same person who was here the first time. I felt myself relax, partly because it was a female and partly because I could now be more coherent. I told my story calmly and she listened without interruptions. When I was done she asked a few questions and told me they would be in touch. Then I had to go to physical therapy and this was a welcome relief. I was getting physically stronger every day. The torture they had devised no longer caused me any pain and I looked forward to cruising through my exercises.

After therapy was lunch and to my surprise, Herrel was there. I shrieked in joy and ran to him, jumping into his arms. He caught me easily and held me close. He smelled sweaty and sexy all at once. He must have come from Beluslan instead of from home. We had lunch outside on the covered patio and I told him about Madrion. He listened to me and held my hand. He then reached into his cube and pulled out some parchment. He handed it to me. It was a letter, written by Madrion to his commander, explaining his departure from Eltnen. He had been poisoned and was on the recovery list. He was wounded and still he came to get me. Fresh tears fell from my eyes. You foolish man. I looked up at Herrel. "When did you get this? How long have you known?" I was beginning to feel anger. Why didn't he tell me? Herrel squeezed my hand. "We found out a few days before you came here."

"We? Whose's we? Who else knows?" I demanded. He took a deep breath. "Your mom and dad, myself, and Vallyon." "Vallyon?" Why would Vallyon know such a thing? Herrel sighed. "He was at the fortress when you…when you … um… arrived there. He identified you for the healers. He also took care of the arrangements for our daughter." I was silent. Should I have known any of this? I couldn't remember because I was drunk some of the time, well most of the time. I vaguely remember him coming to the house. I flushed in embarrassment. "I'm so sorry Herrel. He was your best friend. And here I've been, behaving like an ass." I flung myself into his arms and cried. He held me tightly and then said, "It's not your fault Jaisea. You've been ill and no one faults you for anything. I'm just glad you're getting better." He paused considering something, and then said, "Madrion has always had a soft spot for you. He adored you and even though he'd never admit to it, if anyone hurt you he'd killed them."

I looked up at Herrel. His face was relaxed and all I saw in his eyes was concern for me. "You knew about this all along?" I asked him gently. He laughed then. "Madrion's face was like an open book sometimes. Anything to do with you was clearly written on his face. It's never bothered me honey. I always knew that if something happened to me, he would be there for you in whatever way you needed." I said, "I've always thought of Madrion like a big brother and I do love him. I never knew he felt differently about me until…until the cave. I love you Herrel and I have no regrets about marrying you."

He gazed at me with his golden eyes and then he kissed me. And that kiss left no doubt that I was his forever and always. A few days later, Eva discharged me from the clinic. She said I didn't need to be there anymore. I was still to come in daily for my physical therapy and to talk, but I could do it as an outpatient. She reduced my medication but let me know that if I needed more, then to take it. She also told me that if I felt the need to drink again, I was to tell her immediately.

I didn't think I'd need to drink anymore, because now I had a new reason for living sober. My memory returning was a good thing for me, but a bad thing for Julia. I was going to find her. And I was going to make her pay for the death of my daughter and Madrion. I had purpose now and once I found Julia, well, then we'd see. I just had to make sure that Herrel and my parents didn't find out.

My homecoming was a quiet affair. Herrel was there and so were my parents. Mom had made me a cake and we had lots of it. I drank juice while everyone else had ale. They also had presents for me and I gleefully ripped the paper off. I got a new cloak from my dad, and a beautiful necklace from Herrel. My mom had made me some new blankets to curl up in. I had tears in my eyes, but this time they were tears of joy. That night Herrel and I made love. All I wore for him was the necklace he had given me. He was slow and gentle and I fell asleep fully relaxed for the first time in a long time. I was glad for that, for it meant I'd be awake and alert the next morning to begin my plans for Julia.

The End. 


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